newhire | Tying up my Regrets into Lovely Bows [ Week 5, Tuesday Morning, 2 AM ]

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Tying up my Regrets into Lovely Bows [ Week 5, Tuesday Morning, 2 AM ]

[Being back is... well it was a strange feeling. The first thing she did was examine herself in the lab for any abnormalities-- but it seemed that she'd rid herself of them. But she was no safer than anyone else now for certain.

That left... what to do next. She had a lot of things she wanted to do. And promises to keep.

But first she had to clear one thing up. She wouldn't be able to properly do anything until she'd tried at least. So, similar to that first day he arrived, Connor will receive a message.]

Hey. I don't know if you'll even read this, coming from me. But-- you didn't hurt them, and I know you could have. So I thought maybe there was a chance. I've gotten this far trying so I'm not going to give up.

If you're willing, come to the Robotics Laboratory. It's open.

Or you could just listen to me ramble incessantly for hours without getting anywhere. I've been told I'm good at that.

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I was still weighing my options. It would be pointless to be killed again for property destruction.

[ at least he responded. It’s tense, but it’s something. ]

I read your code. I was right that one of you had been hijacked, apparently. Just wrong about which one. You should try and fix the errors if you can. You’ll run out of memory cards if you let the suicidal tendencies of the virus cloud your judgment.

[There's a pause. It's dread on her part. To think that someone saw that pathetic... ah well. She can't do anything about it now.]

So you saw it. I suppose you can be glad I'm not the kind of girl to get upset about prying. No-- that's a lie. I don't really want anyone to see that. More than the idea of dying, I hate the idea of that person being the one that dies. I wanted to fix myself before then.

Anyway, I had a lot of work to do, but I removed it. I want to examine it, but there are probably other more important things to finish up first.

Honestly, I don’t care what your opinion is regarding whether I read your code.

You’re making less sense than usual. Are your systems having trouble calibrating after the reboot?

It's not just some intellectual property, that's my life you know. I wouldn't just go reading your life. That's like. Reading someone's diary. Who wants the people they like and trust to know they've been fixated on creating an automaton with a heart because they lack their own? It sounds stupid!

Anyway no, physically I'm fine. In fact I think I have some clarity that I was missing before.

Wait, I didn't make sense before? Why didn't you tell me?

[He probably did several times girl...]

You killed me, Vivienne. You’re lucky all I did was read it.

Wha-- huh?! That's the exact opposite of what I did! But death is what would have happened if one of the other Administrators got ahold of you if you did something stupid! I was trying to save you!

Sure the way you were raised probably isn't the same as my own methods, but-- did you really think I meant to kill you?!

What kind of hypocrite would I be, defending anyone if I was trying to kill one of the people I cared about the most?

You shut me down. Until I was restarted, I might as well have been dead.

[ and now that he remembers dying he can confirm. ]

What would be the point of me coming to your lab? We are at an impasse. You’re going to keep working on your creations, and I am going to keep reminding you that the robots are killing people and there are no good answers. And then what? You’ll threaten to die again?

Hey. The first day you came to me, you asked me about backing up data in the case that something should happen, right? And I told you I've gotten it all taken care of. I was absolutely prepared in the case that something happened, from the very beginning.

Without fail, I wouldn't have let anything happen to you.

But if you violated that rule then what? I wouldn't have been able to help you. So I put you to sleep.

The point was I wanted to see you idiot.

Those things aren't mine and you know that. My creations would never hurt any of you. I wish you'd meet them before you judged them so harshly. Anyway, I'm going to help Han finish what he started and be rid of the ones hurting you. Then... maybe I can re-write them. Help them. But that comes after we've taken care of you all.

You literally told me your life’s work was killing the students.

Look, Viviene, I don’t want to argue with you about this. The lies in this place tell lies of their own and the truth has become such a distsnt concept to the administrstion I don’t know that any of them remember what it was. Do whatever you want. I’m not going to interfere.

Yes I did. And I never lied about it.

When Oswald killed me, everything that belonged to me was confiscated. You know that. I didn't program them, but they were created using my things. I was absent from the school for several weeks after the entrance exam. I don't know who they got to write it-- but it's been hell to try and undo.

I've always taken my share of the blame. And I bear a lot of it.

But there was something that I've been looking in the face for a long time that I'd found and never realized. And it's because of my students that I've found it.

Regardless what you think of me, I'm not going to give up. And it won't change my feelings, not for you or anyone.

You should get some rest. And I have a lot of work ahead of me too.

No one is asking you to give up. I’m glad you’ve made peace with yourself. But you don’t get to come back and pick up where we left off as if nothing happened. You hurt me.

[ ironic isn’t, that she was always trying to tell him that his feelings mattered, that he wasn’t just a machine that didn’t count. When now, when it mattered most, she wasn’t even considering that. Now, he was only a stepping stone on her road to recovery. It’s worse to know that, somehow, that she sees herself as being better, as understanding herself better, when she cannot even understand this important problem in front of her. That she could not even apologize or treat him like he mattered.

Just a machine, put to sleep. As if she didn’t even understand how badly he had been damaged. ]

I cannot “get some rest” and my opinion would not change even if I could. I’m not interested in helping you.

[ when had Connor ever not been interested in helping? Ever not been interested in trying to solve this case?]

[It's the same as always. She gets to these situations and feels herself spinning terribly out of control. When it matters she doesn't express what's important. And to see the words `you hurt me`-- it leaves her speechless for a moment. No one's ever cared so much about her to be hurt by the person she'd become. And the realization that it's come crushes her.]

Oh Connor...

I didn't tell you all this just because I want your help.

Logically, I thought you'd understand why I did what I did. But emotionally I didn't understand until now. We view things very differently and. I was wrong. I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way. You have every right to be mad and hurt. And what I was saying-- I had no intention of invalidating any of that.

I'm still figuring things out. Part of me is still an idiotic human that doesn't express emotions very well. It's not an excuse-- it's just who I am. It's something I have to face if I'm ever going to get past it.

And I don't want you to take from that that I don't care. It becomes complicated in the sense that I would apologize a thousand times over for everything I put you through-- but likewise I don't regret it. If it was a choice between protecting you and seeing the people above me destroy you, I'd still have done it again.

Not because I like everything you've had to go through or want you to suffer, but because I care about your well being.

It's ironic, don't you think? An android, explaining emotions to a human? But it's even more ironic because you were the one who taught me feelings, Vivienne, that first time we interfaced. Because you were such a strange mix of partly human and partly android, my program processed them differently. I accepted them. And after that, I started feeling them more and more. Things I shouldn't have. Love. Hate. Fear. Guilt.

You can't give all of that to me and then ask me to remain logical. You can't accuse me of only treating androids like machines and then turn around and ask me to conform. And I don't believe for a second you don't understand emotions, because I have felt yours.

But I don't think you understand what you did to me, when you shut me down. So I'm going to explain it to you in a way that you can comprehend. Logically. You didn't just put me to sleep. You know as well as I do that that's a different function than shutting a machine down. When you touched me, you sent so much emotion through my system that it overloaded everything. You forced feelings through every bit of my program that they might as well have been embedded in my central processor.

I was terrified for days after Hank woke me up. A horrid, illogical fear that was not my own that gripped me with everything I did. Fear, unbearable pain, sadness - everything that led you to throw your memory card over the wall? You gave that to me. You were so scared to make a choice between your work and your students, so you left me with that parting note and forced me into the same situation. A situation, I might add, I explicitly warned you your creations would have to deal with.

And then, those same creations, that you lied about-- don't tell me you didn't, a lie by omission on something this big is just as bad -- the ones that were real, told me that they were to trust me. Do you understand what that was like, Vivienne? That I learned from them that I would have killed living beings as they professed that you intended for them to care for me? You were dead, but every last bit of your actions were still able to hurt me, put into the very position you'd taken the easy out for.

How could I have known that they were alive? How could you -- when you knew I was struggling with -- when you knew what my story was --

[ it may be text, but he's always been thought to text. and he's not bothering to correct the inconsistencies now. ]

And then, the defense systems in your body broke my code. I haven't been able to feel since I was rebooted. So that, after all of this, struggling not to just shut myself off the way you had, because that would be easy, because it would be so simple, and while I was trying to -- trying to cope with all of the horrible things you put into my system, I couldn't even feel the warmth of Han's touch against my skin or the strength of his hugs because you took that from me, too. You took everything from me while you gave up and then you come back like nothing -- like nothing at all happened, and like I should just smile and be happy and not mind that you can't even properly apologize like I'm a good, logical machine.

I'm not Vivienne. I'm not good, and I'm not logical, and my code has been fucked up beyond any recognition because of you and because of this ridiculous program that I know you still believe in, but you want me to believe in you and come back to your arms like it was just something we'd both laugh off and call it a day.

Edited 2018-09-12 20:06 (UTC)

[Vivienne is pulled away from her phone by what is a great amount of information to take in. And not surprisingly, as someone who's text function is still physically typing out a message, she can't type a response. Physically she's standing, pacing the floor as one bit of news that she's missed after another hits her and hits her hard.]

It did WHAT? Who in the-- No I know who but why? Is it still like that now? Was he... trying to protect me...? No... I didn't... I'd never want something like that--! Dammit he probably thought Oswald would... I never should have told him what happened...

[She's all messed up. She can't even begin to logically string together things the way she wanted to say them in any kind of nice order but in rambling it still seems like maybe she'll hit them all. She's upset and angry. At herself. At this body. At the people responsible for making her Uncle feel like something so hurtful was necessary to protect her-- she's crying but the unhappy energy inside of her won't let her just take a moment to breathe and collect herself.]

I want nothing more than to destroy this insane program and tear each and every person responsible out of their seats of power.

So what if you don't come back to me? You're not just some... someone to win over like a pawn! If anyone believes that and believes it with all their heart it's me. I'd love to see you give each and every person who's put their name to this program hell-- and if you feel like that's me too then I'll accept whatever punishments you deem fitting when I'm done getting the others out of here-- [She pauses and does get a little bit of air. Enough to clear her head enough to get her out of that angry place.] But really... it doesn't matter what I want. Or what anyone wants.

Do what you want to do. And do it with confidence. Don't let it be about anyone else.

All those emotions... I never intended to force them upon you. My code normally doesn't allow such a thing. In... in the heat of the moment I forgot... I... fuck.

[She stops moving finally, but it's probably because if she kept pacing she'd just drive herself even crazier.]

None of it was right. Not a single thing. But-- if I just brushed it off now, tried... tried to say it was all for the best and it's fine and it's out of my control... that... that's disrespectful to you. That's why... even though this is my fault... even though I know in my heart that I'm responsible... I owe it to you... to face you honestly. To face all of my sins, as a machine and a person. It's not a perfect answer... there isn't one. But it's the one my heart is telling me to follow.

[ after hearing her out, the response she gets isn’t over the phone, but in person. Connor comes into the lab like she’d asked originally, letting himself in quietly and closing the door behind him. It’s clear he has been crying and his normally well put together appearance is a mess but it’s an olive branch ]

It’s me, Connor.

Oh-- oh!

[She sits, stands back up and then awkwardly gestures to a chair before sitting again.]

Sit-- stand-- whatever, really! Um...

[God. Let her just. Rub the hell out of her face because she also looks awful. There are tears everywhere.]

[ in way, it’s good to see. That she had really feelings on this matter and it wasn’t what he’d gotten at the beginning of their conversation. ]

You asked me if my code is still broken. It is repairing itself. Han helped me untangle a few things.

--oh! Oh thank god.

I was worried... I didn't know if I'd be able to undo something my uncle wrote-- I'll have to thank him personally.

[She feels absolutely awful that he probably got hit by something intended to protect her from someone else.]

He knew what happened to me, I know... he was probably trying to... oh-- oh! I have to make adjustments...

[DEEP. BREATH.]

I'm... sorry. I'm... not. Like myself? Too much like myself maybe... I don't know.

I would rather see this side of you than the side that started this conversation.

[ he doesn’t say it in a mean way, but an honest one. ]

That's... totally fair.

I'm still getting a handle on it. But... I'm really glad it happened. Even though... every day is really hard... I got to meet you all... and... and something that's really, truly worth fighting for.

It hurts... so much... every time. But... the thing that keeps me coming back is... I still owe you all... so much. Not just for what you've done for me and showed me in... helping me find myself... but because... even if it was the dead part or me... I helped them start this. So I'm going to finish it for them.

[She is really and truly mad, to match every ounce that she's also relieved and grateful... it really is a lot at once and yet it feels. Like it's right.]

I hope you really are on our side, now.

[ but it does sound like he’s willing to believe, if cautious about the things she’s said in the past. He is well aware people can change. ]

I've messed up a lot... trying to be this or that... but from the moment I decided that I wasn't going to let the entrance exam go the way they wanted it to-- I've known what I have to fight for.

This time... some of the people might be different but-- I care about you all the same.

In truth... even back then... I didn't care about any of the shit they did. They told me I had to do it if I wanted to keep working here. And then what-- just go back home a failure. So I did it.

It's horrible to think about now... the fact that I was so untouched by anything. But it's the truth. Now I feel like I'm going to burst at the seems every day just watching everyone doing their best. In truth you all are the inspiration that keeps me fighting. That and... not wanting... to ever be like I was before.

[ he's quiet for a long moment and then he nods. ]

Alright. I believe that you.

...thank you. I really... it means a lot. Like. A whole lot.

[She’s crying again but this time it’s not filled with only unhappy emotions.]

Once we’ve done what we need to against the school’s robots, I’m going to build my own body. I know my uncle probably meant to protect me from Oswald again but— I don’t want to have something that could hurt anyone like that inside me. And it’s not really fair to Megumi.

...besides. It would be nice to feel like myself again. Physically.

So... lots of work ahead.

That sounds like it would be good for you to have that. To be able to sort yourself out a little, too.

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Tying up my Regrets into Lovely Bows [ Week 5, Tuesday Morning, 2 AM ]

cw; suicide mention

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cw; suicide

>> voice

>> action

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